New Light

Hmm... it's rare for me to still be up at this hour but I just took a shower so I'm still fresh.

Had a great game of tennis just now, followed by yummy hokkien mee and Cantonese fried mee for supper. I love playing tennis at night, so much better without the sun and it's just so peaceful. U might think it's crazy to play tennis at 10pm, but I don't really have a choice, coz my coach Mr.Ong only has free slots at times like this.

It's been a while since I had a good game like this. Actually what I really want to talk about in this post is something that Mr.Ong said today. He said that I've changed, personality wise. I stopped taking lessons after my SPM for more than a year and it was only recently that I looked for him again. He said that last time I always kept to myself and I got agitated and frustrated easily. But now he said I'm more open, I talked more and that I listen and take advice. I think he meant that I'm a better person now and that's why my tennis has improved.

At first I didn't feel that I've changed, but now when I think about it, I reli agree with him. I realized that I used to be such a terrible person. I was negative, always frustrated at myself for not being able to play well. I remember I used to be so upset when I couldn't play at a level that I wanted to be at. Here's something that I've never told anyone. There were times where I was playing so horribly that I actually had thoughts of quitting. I was always asking myself, why the hell am I working so hard for this? Is it worth it? What can I get from this?.....

I don't know what kept me going, but I'm so thankful that I didn't give up, becoz things have improved so much since then. I guess all tennis players have to go through a period of experimentation and misery before u discover ur potential and ur own unique style of play. I know I still have miles to improve, I'm still a weak player, but at least now I have the right kind of attitude to do it.

I'm glad that I've changed. You know, I've never felt so relaxed in a long time. But deep down inside I still feel like I'm not a good person. Until today, I still feel disconnected with the world at times, especially with my peers. I wonder why I don't talk much. Is it becoz I don't care?
There is always a distance between me and certain people. I just can't open up and be truly happy. There is this shield that I'm creating that prevents other people from being near me. Terrible right... yeah I know I'm a mess. I have many flaws. I wonder why I'm so over achieving, why I'm so obsessed with perfection when it comes to tests and sports. And sometimes I'm ignorant. It's like I don't make enough effort to take notice about other ppl's lives as I'm always putting myself first.

These are the things I wish to change. I hope I will, coz I don't want to be like that forever.