SCREAM

Have u ever had the feeling where u really wanted to scream in frustration or anguish but the moment u try to open your mouth not a single sound comes out?

Kinda like constipation... only that its not at your bowel, but at your voice box..........

Well that's what i am feeling now.
Just wanna let it all out but i can't.

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sorry... that was me beating the keyboard in frustration.

aiyo.. i am losing it. going crazy. yesterday i said 'bloody hell' in college so many times, i think i have never said that word so many times b4 in my whole life....

It's no big deal really. It has nothing to do with anyone else. The problem is just with me. Just not dealing with the stress well enough. Now i'm using this blog to vent my anger. Sorry blog. And i'm sorry you have to read this....

Yesterday had my eng trial.. It was from 4-6pm... nearly died writing continuously for 2 hours. mentally draining.. what i wrote was total crap... not enough time to construct points.... I reached home about 7.30pm due to a jam... That means i spent about 11 hours at college today... u heard me. Just torture.

NOW here's "the icing on the cake".... Tomoro i have my Chemistry trial, totally not prepared.. tons of notes to go through, and now i'm just sitting here doing nothing.

Some days i wonder why the hell i work so hard. I see some students who r so chilled, and they r happy to just pass the exam. For me, it's all about being perfect. If I get 80, i want it to be higher. If i get 90, i still want it to be higher. Then i tell myself, it's ok, it's ok, i'm doing this for the Monash scholarship in the future.... BUT then i realised, there is a HIGH chance that my score won't be high enough for the scholarship... i mean Monash set the bar freaking high, and even when i'm giving it my all, it's still not enough....
WOULDN'T that mean that i worked so hard for so long for nothing? If i don't get the scholarship, I would be in the same category as those who just passed the exam, those students who are so laid back... Only they r probably MUCH more happier than me.... At least they still have a social life, and i'm stuck no where.

Bloody hell. Nevermind. I'm still gonna work my ass off for my finals.

Sometimes I think that if u want to get excellent grades, and i mean excellent, u have to be a ice cold machine. You can't afford to have feelings. You can't afford to rest. BUT i am sorry i can't be like that, coz i believe there's a part of me that's still human.